I laid quietly on my chaise contemplating my gradual growth from the darkness into light. I wanted to pull out greatness from the depths of my soul, but the looming loud sounds of my criticism showed no signs of fading. Fear + frustration clouded my mind as I scratched + scribbled over my carefully crafted work. Blacking out my efforts to mask my alleged mistakes.
I cried.
“Spirit, put me back in the darkness. I’m not ready.”
Each stroke of the brush, a testament to my journey from darkness to light, was marred by the fear of imperfection. The canvas, once a blank slate of potential, became a symphony of erasures and corrections, a reflection of my internal turmoil.
I reframed.
"Spirit, guide me back to the darkness," I pleaded, "so that I may truly appreciate the brilliance of the light."
The inspiration…
This microfiction was inspired by an essay + poem written by Badiana Badio Eckstrom Life Imitating Art, Mimesis. Badiana was inspired by my recent DIY project for my painted chaise and used the progress photos and quotes to explain how we are all works in progress.
I’ve been reflecting on Badiana’s words and even more on our microfiction. This takes me back to 2023 when I spent the entire year identifying my abstract style and learning to become comfortable with it. It feels like it was just yesterday when I laid across my bed with my markers and paper for some evening art. On 12x12 acrylic paper I made three attempts to draw something. I hated that I couldn’t execute the design and became frustrated and blacked out everything with my 15mm black marker.
If it’s covered in black, no one can see my flaws.
Thoughts of failure had immediately made its place into my heart, and I listened to the voice convincing me I wasn’t ready nor good enough. After a much needed conversation with my friend, Cristina, she offered words of encouragement that I still hold close to my heart. My light was dimming and her words had illuminated me again. This is still one of the most important conversations I’ve had with another artist because it sparked the idea of using my blacked-out technique that I use today. I turned my negative into something positive and beautiful.
I give myself permission to be me and to take my time. I evolve the way I’m meant to. I’m not for everyone. My art isn’t for everyone and that’s ok.
“I seek light so everyone else who feels threatened or uncomfortable with my darkness can be blinded by it.” -Badiana Badio Ecskstrom
Thank you Badiana for allowing me to cowrite this microfic with you!
Peace,
Alex B
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