First quarter recap: resting became a priority. I needed to start the year off on a good note and take care of me first. Even with FOMO, the down time allowed me to think clearer, plan out Q2, and show up for other artists locally. Still learning the right balance for me. I can’t wait to see what the next three months will bring.
I didn’t do what I said I wanted to do…
Well sort of. Yes, I made time for resting, scratched the surface with fictional writing and tried my hand at abstract portraits. But I’ve been arguing with myself on why I haven’t been able to complete certain projects. Why is this happening to me? I didn’t feel mental fatigue, I had a plan on each project and I was getting plenty of rest. My insomnia has been stabilized for weeks.
A few weeks ago, I got started working on three collages. I was pumped because I had finally accepted a new style to my collaging with using recycled paper bags and old paintings turned into scraps. My progress to get these collages done was irritating me and with each attempt to keep moving forward my efforts seemed to go from bad to worse. The paper wouldn’t lay properly, my glue wasn’t doing what I needed it to do and I wasn’t feeling confident about my new pieces. So, I gave myself a break and walked away. The next day, I find smeared black paint on one of the collages. I got a little upset and trying to recall if I had mistakenly touched the tiny black bottle sitting next to my collage. If I didn’t do it, I asked my girls if they had been painting recently. My youngest, Ivory, told me she was painting and accidentally dripped paint on it and tried to clean it up. Well, this completely changes my collage. More cutting, tearing, peeling and scraping as I enjoyed the new distressed textures being made…but I was still frustrated. The other collages were epic fails and I have to tackle those another day.
Can I find a new way to save them? Yeah, but I have to come up with new designs now. Also, this made me think about the future of my collages. What would’ve been a slight setback allowed me to problem solve and brainstorm new ideas. Thanks Ivory!
Sparked by uncomfortable triggers…
Something unusual has been happening to me lately and I think it’s been having a positive effect on my art. I noticed that when I’m triggered, I’m flooded with a rushing wave of emotions that inspires me to create.
I’m pissed and daydreaming about happier times from years ago, but also mentally looping about what recently upset me. It’s my slightly toxic fuel but during this time, I managed to have this burst of energy to create. I sat on that hellish rollercoaster of emotions for two days and journaled until I was content. Nothing I’m losing sleep or focus on, but still very curious how all of this happened. This experience has been journaled and inspired new ideas for my microfictions - maybe a few paintings too. Yeah, I was stewing in that shit but I wasn’t going to pretend like nothing happened as I counted the hours waiting for this to pass. No, I wasn’t good and I didn’t disclose to anyone what was bothering me. All I could do was write. This was not the typical feeling I have when I create, casual painting and writing while allowing the thoughts to gently pass through my mind.
Is this what I need to make good art? Goodness no (LOL)! But I’m curious to know if other artists feel the same way at times. Of course, this isn’t an invitation for anyone to start willingly antagonizing me nor am I trying to stir up trouble for the sake of my craft. That would be bad because I consider myself a peaceful person. I’m glad that this only lasted two days. I liked the focus and time I dedicated but I couldn’t stand feeling like that for one more day.
Peace
Alex B
Images and painting by Alex B
I'm writing about this now but I used to think I needed to be in an unwell state to create. Whenever I felt "okay" I found it hard to write or create and it also made stability feel boring. I can relate to creating some beautiful things out of awful triggers.
Reading the Artist's Way has been really helpful in embracing just how spiritual our art and creative process is. All of it, being activated and emotional and resting and other avenues for existing in the world, we bring that with us on the little mushroom heads that appears as our artwork. When we look underground, the mychorrizal (im so spelling this wrong but its the mycelia networks in the soil) are the truly active and necessary parts to how we exist in the world.
I collage too and I've been trying not to be hard on myself for taking such a huge break since my last huge burst of collages back in December. At that time, I was really going through it with my family and I was able to channel that energy to watercoloring their gifts for them + the more complicated collages that I didnt want them to see lol. So yeah, I'm trying to learn how to be patient and trust the process. If I want discipline and practice, it can't go towards my big projects. It has to be little by little everyday. I journal so much everyday lol. So yeah. Long story but what you shared rlly spoke to me